


I Need You

by alllove



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 05:02:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alllove/pseuds/alllove
Summary: Reader just wants to feel something, anything, so she puts herself in danger all the time. But what happens when Spencer finally confronts her about it?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	I Need You

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys this is just a short lil fic, i hope you enjoy. there is some reference to self harm and depression so please please please do not read if you are triggered by that. other than that, enjoy, and always remember i love yall

“I’m going in,” you said. 

“Are you crazy?” JJ asked. 

“Stand down Y/L/N. There’s no guarantee you’ll make it out alive,” Hotch said. 

You took a deep breath. “I don’t care,” you whispered. 

You took off your FBI vest and handed your gun to Emily. 

“What is she doing?” You heard Spencer ask. You didn’t dare turn around. “Where is she going?”

You kept walking. You could imagine how Morgan was holding Spencer back, stopping him from running in after you. 

You reached the doorway and put your hands up. “Don’t shoot,” you said. “I’m FBI, I just wanna talk.”

The last thing you heard was the click of a gun. 

***

You woke up to bright lights. 

“Hey, you’re up,” Spencer said. 

You sat up on your elbows and looked at him. “What am I doing here?” You asked. 

“Uh… sleeping?”

“Spence, when did we get back from the hospital?” You asked. 

“Couple hours ago. They told me I could bring you home,” Spencer said. 

You sat up fully as he walked to the side of the bed. 

“How you feeling?” He asked. 

You just shrugged your shoulders. You sighed to yourself. 

“What is it?” Spencer asked, sitting next to you. 

“It’s nothing,” you said. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s always nothing,” you mumbled. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” you whispered. 

Spencer put his hand on your knee and rubbed it slightly before getting up again. 

“Get some more rest, we’ll talk later,” he said as he left the room. 

“Talk about what?”

“Just stuff,” he said. He smiled at you before exiting. 

“Spence?” You called after a second. 

He poked his head back into the room. “Yeah?”

“Aren’t you gonna stay with me?” You asked, your voice breaking slightly. He’d never just leave you alone after you’d been injured. 

“Right. Of course,” he said. 

He joined you on the bed again, wrapping you in his arms as you laid your head on his chest. 

You could hear his heartbeat increasing and you could feel his chest rise and fall as if he was being overwhelmed by a wave of anxiety. 

You didn’t ask him about it yet. He wouldn’t have told you even if you did. 

***

A few hours later, Spencer woke you up from the nap you had been taking. 

“Hey, how you feelin?” He asked. 

“Better,” you said. 

“That’s good.”

“Can we talk now?” You asked, rushing your words. 

“What?”

“Can we talk about that… stuff… now?”

“We can do that later, Y/N,” he said softly. 

“No, we can’t. Sit,” you said, patting the bed next to you. 

Spencer sighed before obliging. 

“So, what is it?” You asked. 

He took a deep breath. “It’s you, Y/N.”

“What?” You breathed. 

“No, sorry, not like… you… more like your actions. When you run headfirst into danger, it worries us. And you’ve started to do it more and more often,” he said. 

You knew what he was talking about. You’d been to the hospital more times than you’d care to admit because of how you always volunteered to reason with an unsub. 

“I’m just doing my job, Spence,” you said. 

“I know but sometimes, it’s like you don’t let anyone else face danger,” he said. 

“So that’s a bad thing? I shouldn’t protect my friends?” You asked, starting to get a little angry. 

“No, of course it’s not a bad thing. I’m just saying that sometimes there are other options, and you don’t listen to them,” he said. 

“Spencer, I listen to every option. I calculate every outcome’s success probability and I know you do too. So, when I make a decision it’s because I know it’s the best one,” you said, fuming. 

“I understand that, Y/N, but it doesn’t always have to be you that carries out that option.”

You got up from the bed and started to pace. “Then who should do it? Huh?”

Spencer licked his lips and threw his hands in the air. 

“You? Do you want to do it? Do you want to risk your life? What about your mom, hmm? Maybe JJ should do it. Her kids can grow up without a mom that’s fine. Or should it be Hotch? Because one parent dying wasn’t enough for Jack.” You were almost yelling at him. You didn’t know why, you just were. 

You were surprised when he yelled back. “So, it should be you? That’s the conclusion you come to?”

“I don’t have a family, Spencer! I’m expendable, no one needs me!” You yelled. 

“I need you!” He screamed. 

You saw tears filling his eyes and started to feel them fill yours as well. 

“I need you,” he said again, whispering this time. 

You bit your lip as you blinked back your tears. 

“You don’t need me, Spencer, you just think you do,” you said. 

“Is that what you think? He asked, his eyes meeting yours, red and puffy. “You think I don’t need you?”

“I know you don’t need me Spencer. You have your mom, our friends, you’ll be fine,” you said. 

Spencer looked at you and walked over. He stared at your face, his eyes trying to read yours. 

“What do you mean ‘I’ll be fine’?” He asked. If he wasn’t so close to you, you wouldn’t have heard him. 

“I… like… I mean… eventually… you know?” You said, but it was too late. 

“Let me see your wrists,” he whispered. He wasn’t asked. 

“Come on, Spence, don’t be ridiculous,” you said, trying to walk away. 

He grabbed your arm firmly, but not too tightly. It was just enough that you couldn’t fight him. 

“Spence, come on, please don’t do this. I’m fine,” you said hysterically. 

He didn’t listen to you. He lifted up your sleeve and hung his head. 

“Why?” He asked, almost crying. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your lip trembling. 

He pulled you into a hug and a wave of tears was released. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he said into your hair. He stroked your hair and kissed the top of your head. 

When you stopped crying, you turned to look at his eyes. “I just want to feel something,” you said. “Anything.”

“You don’t have to hurt yourself to do that,” he said, kissing the back of your hand. 

“I don’t know any other way,” you cried. 

“I know, I know,” he whispered. He pulled you into him again and you buried your face in his shirt. 

“That’s why you always volunteer isn’t it? Because you want to feel something?” He whispered. 

You nodded your head. “Yeah,” you whispered. 

***

That night the two of you sat in bed. Spencer had a book open, but you knew he wasn’t reading it. 

“Y/N?” He said. 

You turned to face him. He looked at you for a second before taking a deep breath. “You are… so important to me,” he said. “And I’m sorry that you feel like you’re not. I… I never meant for you to feel that way.”

“You didn’t, Spence, you didn’t. I don’t know why I feel like this,” you said. “But I know it’s not you.”

“I need you more than anything,” he said. “And if you ever feel that way again, you can always talk to me.”

“I know, Spence. Thank you,” you said. 

He didn’t say much more. He didn’t know what to say and neither did you, to be honest. He just closed his book and sunk into the mattress. You followed suit, your faces toward each other. 

“I was wrong before,” you whispered. A tear fell down your cheek and Spencer cupped your face with his hand to wipe it away. “I do have a family.”

“I love you,” Spencer said. 

“I love you too,” you replied. 

He moved to pull you into a soft kiss, his lips molding to fit your perfectly. 

“We’re gonna call a doctor tomorrow okay?” He said, even though you knew he wasn’t really asking. 

“Okay,” you whispered. You placed your head on his chest, his heartbeat closer to normal now but still fast. You wrapped one arm around his torso, feeling his chest rise and fall again. 

***


End file.
